Yes, I have mentioned this many times in my posts

Yes, I have mentioned this many times in my posts. And I will probably mention it many more times.

Because these words never stop repeating in my head. I hear them so often and have for so long, I don't even remember when they we're first said or written, rather. I am sure it was during an iChat.

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Why?

Because I don't understand what I did to deserve to hear these words. By the person who said them to me. How he could be so cruel and insensitive.

All I did was beg him to see me when he was home for that 30 some days in August and September. I had something important to tell him, about losing Jack, and with each rejection I got a little bit more desperate. Is this what made me a horrible person?

I finally succumbed to telling him this news via a Facebook message the day before he left. His response? I should have told him right when it happened and there was nothing he could do about it now. Is that what made me a horrible person?

Ummmm.

I didn't think a iMessage to Afghanistan was the appropriate way to share this news. Do you? I thought it should be done in person. Is this what made me a horrible person? That I didn't iMessage him right when I got home from the ER? I was in no state to talk to anyone. I was numb. I was physically in pain. I hadn't fully comprehended what the doctor told me, because I hadn't even known I was pregnant. And I couldn't stop crying. Did that make me a horrible person?

And nothing he could do about it now?

There sure was something he could do about it now. He could have come to me. He could have held me. Given me the hug I needed. Let me cry. Share my pain in our loss. Comfort me.

And he must have felt guilty. Because the next night I got a text, likely as he drank his last beer before boarding the plane to Abu Dhabi (:) )or Dubai, saying he was sorry I had to go through that alone and he hoped I could forgive him.

And you know what? I did forgive him. Did that make me a horrible person?

I sent 5 packages to his camp in Afghanistan: one with snacks; one for Halloween; another one with snacks and my World Series Towel I got at game 4 and other World Series trinkets I picked up; one for Thanksgiving; and one that combined his 30th Birthday and Christmas including a microwaveable cake and 3 0 candles, and a bunch of other christmas goodies including my prize decorated palm tree Christmas ornament that I used to travel with when I traveled a lot. Did this make me a horrible person?

Or was it when I expressed my hurt about the fake Facebook engagement? That he had time to help some other girl with a crazy ex with some problem, but never once ask me how I am doing? Was that it? Was that what made me a horrible person? Being hurt?

Or when I received harassing messages from his friends and I asked him to keep my name out of his story, which he in turn blamed me for harassing myself? Was that what made me a horrible person?

Or when the fake fiance opened a fake Facebook account in my name revealing my loss of Jack? Did that make me a horrible person?

Or the continuous harassment I have received from the fiance through various forms. Does that make me a horrible person?

Or is it just easier for him to say that I am horrible person instead of looking inside himself to realize he is the one that is horrible? That he is the horrible, insensitive, unemotional, unavailable person who feels guilty for what he hasn't done? How he hasn't taken responsibility for any of the consequences of his actions or in many cases lack of actions? That he never has a nice thing to say and he pushes me away as far as he can and just pretends I don't exist. Wishing me away. Wishing he didn't know anything about Jack. Wishing we had never met.

Hell, I know the above is true.

But it doesn't help.

I still hear him saying to me, "You are a horrible person."

Oh, by the way, since I haven't mentioned it in this post yet he followed it up with, "whom I would never want a family with."

Which is exactly what someone who has just lost a baby wants to hear. Someone who didn't realize they we're pregnant. Someone who feels so guilty for losing Jack. Someone who blames themselves every day for what is gone.

And it is because I feel so bad and blame myself for losing Jack that I don't have the strength to overpower the negativity in his words that I now, too, believe I am a horrible person.

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Posted in Business Post Date 12/31/2017